McDonald's

Confession time. I love McDonald's. Seriously...I reallllyyyy love McDonald's. I love it like Posh loves her 8" heels. Like Howard Stern loves his strippers. I would eat it every day if it wouldn't result in me being 400 lbs and having a massive heart attack. Plus, with Oprah going off the air, my chances of being 400 lbs AND having her save me are out the window. So, I eat healthy. Boooooooooooooo.

When I was in high school and ate a TCBY chocolate chip ice cream sandwich every day after school as my pre-practice snack, I can't really remember ever caring about calories, fat or what I ate. I was never thin (except for when I had mono, dropped 20 lbs in a hot-second & looked like a crack head for about a month), but I was also never heavy. I was average, athletic and active...straight A's, and it allowed me eat Snickers at least 3x a week, ice cream before bed & McDonald's whenever I damn well pleased. I didn't hang my head in shame when I'd order 2, yes ladies, 2 Sausage Egg McMuffin's for breakfast. I'd scarf those bad-boys down with pride and head off to school, bragging to the boys about how much I could eat. Wasn't I cool???!! Surprisingly, boys still liked me, but I think they just couldn't resist my charming personality (or the fact that I'd put out...kidding mom, KIDDING). Then college hit, and I continued my McDonald's binges, washing it all down with 9,000 calories of beer (lite, of course) a day. I'm lucky I got out of there alive and under 400 lbs (Certainly came pretty close my junior year).

I do still indulge my McDonald's lust every few months and when I go, I go BIG, like Super Size x 4 big. Another confession. When I go to McDonald's, I order so much food for myself that I've actually caught myself PRETENDING  to be ordering for 2 people!!! Dr. Phil, save me now. Back in my single NYC days, I hit up a McDonald's post-drinking and actually said outloud to myself / the cashier as I was ordering my 15 value meals "What did he tell me he wanted again???" The cashier's response should have been, ""He" wants you committed to over-eaters annoymous." Ya want another proud moment? After a 3 day bachelorette party binge, 2 friends and I, whom shall remain nameless to protect their fat-girl innocence, not only ate our hot fudge sundae "appetizers" on the walk back to our car, but also split a 30 piece nugget ON TOP of what we each ordered. How I fit into my wedding dress after that, I'll never know. And when I was pregnant, forget it! After each appointment, I'd beeline it to my local McDonald's (unbeknownst to Joe) to celebrate the baby, a strong heartbeat, only gaining 8 instead of my standard 10 lbs a month, surpassing 200 lbs. Isabel should be very proud.

The moral of this story is that girls can eat McDonald's. We act all ashamed & hide our Mickey D obsession, but it's ok to indulge our cravings. Boys still check me out, Joe still thinks I'm hot, and little do they know that I just ate 3 Quarter Pounders (with cheese). Eat your heart out, literally, and see ya at the drive-thru!

Joe ordering McDonald's for me.