Fetus Friday

Since celebrities are birthing babies every 2.5 seconds these days, I figured I'd add a little fun to everyone's Fridays by highlighting weekly arrivals of the newest A-list celeb-u-tots and press-worthy superstar sperminations. And since 99.9% of my friends seem to be with-child these days, I'll give a little shout out to them too, in hopes they'll truly start read my blog and not just make me feel better by saying they do.


Rod "Old Man" Stewart- Rod and his wife welcomed their 2nd child, a boy, this week. He's close to Duggar status with the amount of kids this man is pumping out. I pretty sure he now has about 87 kids which is awesome cause it's the same # as his age. And is he really this short or is his wife 9 ft tall?

I like amazon women, Viagra & reproducing.

Jessica Alba- Boring. Who cares. The only reason I'm a little excited about this is cause I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing really pretty & really skinny celebs gain weight. So please plump up Jess, or I'm gonna have no reason to care about you over the next 9 months. PS: I called this weeks ago cause Jess went from wearing fitted to flowing. I'm pretty much the Baby Whisper so if you're knocked up but keeping it under wraps, than you and your uterous best stay far away from me. I'm that good.

I can't act but I can reproduce.

The Cake Boss- Buddy "The Italian Stallion" Valastro welcomed their 3rd son, Carlo, on Valentine's Day. I wonder if Buddy made him a cake? I wonder if it was in the shape of a heart? I wonder why I'm so obsessed with Buddy and his cakes? I'm also obsessed with the fact that Buddy is the same age as me, yet looks like he's 52 and has already "baked" 4 kids.

America's newest reality show star / baker.

Melissa Rycroft- I'm sure her baby is cute as pie & sleeping through the night, her and her husband are most likely sooooo in love & never fight from no-sleep exhaustion, she probably has perfect breastfeeding boobs, and I'm pretty confident that she already weighs 82 lbs. You can also guarantee that super-perky Melissa will be doing the morning news show circuit to flaunt her darling baby by next week. Yes, she annoys me and yes, I'm a bitter party of one over the fact that she has no talent except for being dumped on the Bachelor yet everyone loves her & gives her fab jobs. Congrats, I guess.

Ready to pop yet still can wear sequins..another reason to dislike her.

Jenn "Holla" Kaczenski- My hot-to-trot mommy friend, Jenny-H, will welcome Baby Girl Kaz in early July, just in time to celebrate a little BBQ, fireworks & our countries independence. Another liberal is born!! In typical Jenn style, she's already decorated the babies nursery, registered & possibly has bought the babies Halloween 2019 costume...take that Melissa Rycroft! We're so happy she's having a girl for multiple reasons including 1. Girls are awesome 2. There's no chance we'll have to pay for an Agosto / Kaz wedding one day. We can't wait to kiss you all over your cute little face, Baby Girl Kaczenski!!

Pretty Momma!!

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Celine

Congrats to Celine Dion for birthing very cute twin boys and, most importantly, for continuing to have perky boobs and a 22" waistline post twins. All that at the ripe ol' age of 42. How does she do it?! Oh, that's right...lipo & not eating. 

Celine & her grandfather, I mean, husband, were welcomed back to Vegas with open arms & show girls in tow earlier this week. She's looking fab & as much as I'd like to dislike her, the Canadian crooner is one celeb I find little wrong with. She should feel very special. She loves being a mother, put her career on hold for her children, remained nanny-free after the birth of the twins and was very open and honest about her pregnancy struggles over the years. Plus, she continues to have sex with Rene, and she makes Oprah cry when she sings on her show. You know she's pretty awesome if Oprah is losing bodily fluids over her. Minus the horrible frenchy accent, she's almost perfect.  

Maybe Isabel will marry one of her twins & then Celine and I will become fast friends and she can give me all of her used handbags. A girl can dream. Welcome back to sin city, Celine!

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Missing

Missing: Rubber giraffe, goes by the name "Diaper Bag Sophie." She's about 6" tall, BPA free with long, skinny spotted legs, black crazy-town looking eyes, perma-grin & horns. Last seen in Isabel's mouth, possibly while we were at church or maybe in the grocery store. Vaguely remember seeing giraffe legs sticking out of the bag around the time of her disappearance, but I also left my car keys in the ignition at the mall last week, so I wouldn't go by anything I "think" I remember these days. We will pay a significant reward consisting of last weeks US Weekly, left over Valentine's chocolates, a free subscription to this blog & a kiss from Isabel should you safely return Sophie to our house. If found in the mouth of an unknown child under the age of five, please congratulate him/her on inherting a new germy rubber friend. Come home Sophie...the diaper bag & Isabel's gums both miss you.

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13 Lbs

My vagina & uterus hurt just hearing this story. She didn't have a baby, she had a linebacker & if I were the Patriots and Robert Kraft, I'd think about drafting this kid now. As Joe likes to say "Sign that kid up as the next bouncer at Gymboree!"

I have a feeling this mother will only be sitting on a rubber donut for the next 3 weeks after pushing her man-sized son out of her private area. If I were her, I'd also seriously consider a lawsuit against every doctor, nurse & xray tech for not warning me that my soon-to-be-birthed baby would be the size of a 2 year old by my due date. Yikes!!! Isn't that the whole point of the modern miracles of medicine; to provide new moms with good drugs and the option to give birth early, especially when the child is going to come out ready for kindergarten? Plus, this new mom would have been better prepared for her moment in the TV spotlight (ie...freshly colored hair and some lip gloss).

The good news is this momma certainly won't have to worry about weekly weight checks for her newborn, and she'll get lots of good use out of her 6 months clothes. Welcome big boy...may you enjoy your 1st pizza by the time you're 8 months old!

13 Pound Newborn

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Easter Basket

Isabel's new Easter basket came in the mail today, compliments of Pottery Barn Kids, the most overpriced baby store known to man. I've become a Pottery Barn Kids crackhead, addicted to every little morsel they sell, and once again, they had me at hello with their super cute spring catalog and quaint front cover. Just when I thought there was nothing else that I could possibly want from their store, site or catalog....BAMMM, guess what arrives in the mail?? Pottery Barn Spring 2011, every winter-hating mother's worst nightmare. My credit card company must have a partnership with PBK (we're so close, I'm allowed to abbreviate them now) cause they seem to be the only two people who appreciate how much money I spend at that freaking place. Page after wonderful page of soft, pastel pink, super-springy bedding, toys & decorations. I felt warmer just flipping the pages, like it was suddenly May and I had on my cutest spring dress & flip-flops. 

To make a long story short, I went into instant mom-panic. "But what if they sell out?! I must buy one now!" I tried to rationalize as my heart said "Buy!" and my husband said "F-U Pottery Barn." I of course ignored Joe and immediately jumped online to place my order. Please keep in mind that Isabel is 6 months old & barely holds her bottle, but apparently I think she'll be frolicking around our backyard searching for decorated eggs come April. Needless to say, I'm thrilled with my spontaneous purchase. The basket is very sweet & girly, with her name stitched on the front, of course. It has now inspired me to find her an even more amazing Easter dress to go along with the basket and possibly the frilliest baby bonnet a girl could have, circa Gone With the Wind. In typical 1st time mom fashion, I'll buy her something overpriced that she'll only wear once & for a total of 30 minutes before either puking / peeing on it or hating the dress all together. It's a vicious, never ending cycle of spending madness. Dr. Drew, please save a room for me. I'm coming over.

Check it off the list, Isabel has her much-needed Easter basket in February. Maybe I'll start looking for her Halloween costume next. One can never be too prepared.

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