Fetus Friday


Since celebrities are birthing babies every 2.5 seconds these days, I figured I'd add a little fun to everyone's Fridays by highlighting weekly arrivals of the newest A-list celeb-u-tots and press-worthy superstar sperminations. And since 99.9% of my friends seem to be with-child these days, I'll give a little shout out to them too, in hopes they'll truly start read my blog and not just make me feel better by saying they do.

Rod "Old Man" Stewart- Rod and his wife welcomed their 2nd child, a boy, this week. He's close to Duggar status with the amount of kids this man is pumping out. I pretty sure he now has about 87 kids which is awesome cause it's the same # as his age. And is he really this short or is his wife 9 ft tall?

I like amazon women, Viagra & reproducing.
Jessica Alba- Boring. Who cares. The only reason I'm a little excited about this is cause I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing really pretty & really skinny celebs gain weight. So please plump up Jess, or I'm gonna have no reason to care about you over the next 9 months. PS: I called this weeks ago cause Jess went from wearing fitted to flowing. I'm pretty much the Baby Whisper so if you're knocked up but keeping it under wraps, than you and your uterous best stay far away from me. I'm that good.
I can't act but I can reproduce.
The Cake Boss- Buddy "The Italian Stallion" Valastro welcomed their 3rd son, Carlo, on Valentine's Day. I wonder if Buddy made him a cake? I wonder if it was in the shape of a heart? I wonder why I'm so obsessed with Buddy and his cakes? I'm also obsessed with the fact that Buddy is the same age as me, yet looks like he's 52 and has already "baked" 4 kids.
America's newest reality show star / baker.
Melissa Rycroft- I'm sure her baby is cute as pie & sleeping through the night, her and her husband are most likely sooooo in love & never fight from no-sleep exhaustion, she probably has perfect breastfeeding boobs, and I'm pretty confident that she already weighs 82 lbs. You can also guarantee that super-perky Melissa will be doing the morning news show circuit to flaunt her darling baby by next week. Yes, she annoys me and yes, I'm a bitter party of one over the fact that she has no talent except for being dumped on the Bachelor yet everyone loves her & gives her fab jobs. Congrats, I guess.
Ready to pop yet still can wear sequins..another reason to dislike her.
Jenn "Holla" Kaczenski- My hot-to-trot mommy friend, Jenny-H, will welcome Baby Girl Kaz in early July, just in time to celebrate a little BBQ, fireworks & our countries independence. Another liberal is born!! In typical Jenn style, she's already decorated the babies nursery, registered & possibly has bought the babies Halloween 2019 costume...take that Melissa Rycroft! We're so happy she's having a girl for multiple reasons including 1. Girls are awesome 2. There's no chance we'll have to pay for an Agosto / Kaz wedding one day. We can't wait to kiss you all over your cute little face, Baby Girl Kaczenski!!
Pretty Momma!!




Congrats to Celine Dion for birthing very cute twin boys and, most importantly, for continuing to have perky boobs and a 22" waistline post twins. All that at the ripe ol' age of 42. How does she do it?! Oh, that's right...lipo & not eating. 

Celine & her grandfather, I mean, husband, were welcomed back to Vegas with open arms & show girls in tow earlier this week. She's looking fab & as much as I'd like to dislike her, the Canadian crooner is one celeb I find little wrong with. She should feel very special. She loves being a mother, put her career on hold for her children, remained nanny-free after the birth of the twins and was very open and honest about her pregnancy struggles over the years. Plus, she continues to have sex with Rene, and she makes Oprah cry when she sings on her show. You know she's pretty awesome if Oprah is losing bodily fluids over her. Minus the horrible frenchy accent, she's almost perfect.  

Maybe Isabel will marry one of her twins & then Celine and I will become fast friends and she can give me all of her used handbags. A girl can dream. Welcome back to sin city, Celine!




Missing: Rubber giraffe, goes by the name "Diaper Bag Sophie." She's about 6" tall, BPA free with long, skinny spotted legs, black crazy-town looking eyes, perma-grin & horns. Last seen in Isabel's mouth, possibly while we were at church or maybe in the grocery store. Vaguely remember seeing giraffe legs sticking out of the bag around the time of her disappearance, but I also left my car keys in the ignition at the mall last week, so I wouldn't go by anything I "think" I remember these days. We will pay a significant reward consisting of last weeks US Weekly, left over Valentine's chocolates, a free subscription to this blog & a kiss from Isabel should you safely return Sophie to our house. If found in the mouth of an unknown child under the age of five, please congratulate him/her on inherting a new germy rubber friend. Come home Sophie...the diaper bag & Isabel's gums both miss you.


13 Lbs


My vagina & uterus hurt just hearing this story. She didn't have a baby, she had a linebacker & if I were the Patriots and Robert Kraft, I'd think about drafting this kid now. As Joe likes to say "Sign that kid up as the next bouncer at Gymboree!"

I have a feeling this mother will only be sitting on a rubber donut for the next 3 weeks after pushing her man-sized son out of her private area. If I were her, I'd also seriously consider a lawsuit against every doctor, nurse & xray tech for not warning me that my soon-to-be-birthed baby would be the size of a 2 year old by my due date. Yikes!!! Isn't that the whole point of the modern miracles of medicine; to provide new moms with good drugs and the option to give birth early, especially when the child is going to come out ready for kindergarten? Plus, this new mom would have been better prepared for her moment in the TV spotlight (ie...freshly colored hair and some lip gloss).

The good news is this momma certainly won't have to worry about weekly weight checks for her newborn, and she'll get lots of good use out of her 6 months clothes. Welcome big boy...may you enjoy your 1st pizza by the time you're 8 months old!

13 Pound Newborn


Easter Basket


Isabel's new Easter basket came in the mail today, compliments of Pottery Barn Kids, the most overpriced baby store known to man. I've become a Pottery Barn Kids crackhead, addicted to every little morsel they sell, and once again, they had me at hello with their super cute spring catalog and quaint front cover. Just when I thought there was nothing else that I could possibly want from their store, site or catalog....BAMMM, guess what arrives in the mail?? Pottery Barn Spring 2011, every winter-hating mother's worst nightmare. My credit card company must have a partnership with PBK (we're so close, I'm allowed to abbreviate them now) cause they seem to be the only two people who appreciate how much money I spend at that freaking place. Page after wonderful page of soft, pastel pink, super-springy bedding, toys & decorations. I felt warmer just flipping the pages, like it was suddenly May and I had on my cutest spring dress & flip-flops. 

To make a long story short, I went into instant mom-panic. "But what if they sell out?! I must buy one now!" I tried to rationalize as my heart said "Buy!" and my husband said "F-U Pottery Barn." I of course ignored Joe and immediately jumped online to place my order. Please keep in mind that Isabel is 6 months old & barely holds her bottle, but apparently I think she'll be frolicking around our backyard searching for decorated eggs come April. Needless to say, I'm thrilled with my spontaneous purchase. The basket is very sweet & girly, with her name stitched on the front, of course. It has now inspired me to find her an even more amazing Easter dress to go along with the basket and possibly the frilliest baby bonnet a girl could have, circa Gone With the Wind. In typical 1st time mom fashion, I'll buy her something overpriced that she'll only wear once & for a total of 30 minutes before either puking / peeing on it or hating the dress all together. It's a vicious, never ending cycle of spending madness. Dr. Drew, please save a room for me. I'm coming over.

Check it off the list, Isabel has her much-needed Easter basket in February. Maybe I'll start looking for her Halloween costume next. One can never be too prepared.




There's no way Victoria Beckham is with child. From my many years of medical experience & being jealous of really skinny people, I'm 99% sure a body that small can't possibly house a uterus, let alone a fetus. Can we say "Barbie Doll?" By 9 months, that super-model baby is gonna pull a "Twilight" and start breaking her bones. I'd love to know what her hip measurement is. There's a good chance Isabel could borrow her pants. The pic below is a recent shot of Posh looking hungry, angry & supposedly prego. I gained Posh's current weight over my 9 month pregnancy, she'll probably gain 5 lbs. The fact that she's still wearing leather pants blows my mind. Doesn't she just want to put on sweatpants & eat pizza?? Why can't she be like most celebs and totally blimp up? Come on Posh, take one for the team and get a fat a$s & stretch marks. I'm sure Becks will still love you even while he's fooling around with a paid escort (allegedly...please don't sue me, David). And besides, we all know you'll be back to your size .05 pants faster than I can say Jimmy Choo. A quick little post-pardem tummy-tuck & all will be right in the royal world of Beckham one more. So go on, eat a hot dog. Your fetus & I will thank you.


Super Bowl


As many of you know, I'm not only an obsessive / borderline stalker celeb gossip fan, but I'm also a sports fan. Prior to Isabel, I spent many a morning in bed, hung-over & watching SportsCenter, but she's not really down with TV or hangovers. My focus has moved from sweaty sports dudes on TV to poopy diapers on my baby. I still have a little sports-fan game, but who wants to hear my color commentary when there's so much more to trash on. So here are the goods...making fun of Christina Aguilera, rating the commercials, and commenting on how hot football players are in tight pants. Mix a drink, grab some wings & enjoy my 1st annual "Diva does Football!"

-What the H-E-double hockey sticks was that segment at the start of the game, where the players, coaches, and commissioner read the Declaration of Independence, all about? Sorry NFL...you're taking yourselves a LITTLEEEEE too seriously. The NFL is to govermnent what Kim Kardashian is to being a talented actress. 

-I love you Lea Michele. Even though she makes overly dramatic facial expressions & has the body of a 13-year-old, she has the voice of a dove and exceptional teeth. I have a major girl crush. There, I said it. 

-George Bush at the Super Bowl. The only right decision he's made in the last 10 years.

-Troy Aikman is newly single, ladies. He has an amazingly manly voice, sexy lips and a really tight bum-bum, plus he's a Super Bowl champion himself. And he's always tan. Of course, he basically was forced to retire due to having 742 concussions during his career, so it's possible he won't be able to speak by the time he's 56, but I'm thinking he'll always have his good looks (and lots of $$, if you're in to that kinda thing).

-Christina Aguilera has a messed up face. Yes, awesome voice but sista looks like she  just came from the set of a scary movie. Beat-up is putting it nicely. I can't wait to see what her face looks like by the time she's 50. She also must have been smoking crack, cause I think she skipped something important in the middle of the National Anthem. I wasn't really paying attention to the words. I was too busy looking at her horrible facial expressions.

-I like fake talking animal commercials. Always have, always will. High-five to every creative agency who convinced their clients that animals are the way to go in '11. I'd give you a raise.

-Kenny G. in a commercial? Really? The poor man's Betty White.

-Long haired football players both gross me out & annoy me. I really, really dislike sweaty hair. It makes me squirm, even my own. And why, as a man being chased by even bigger men, would you ever want to risk having it yanked from the root? Isabel grabbed mine the other day & I almost dropped her, it hurt that bad. She weighs 19 lbs...I can't imagine having a 300 lb lineman hanging off my head.  

-Ewwww. Arod & Cameron. Feeding him food. Gross. Please put the camera back on George Bush. 

-Ashton sans Demi. That spells trouble for Mr. Punked "I married my mom & now we pretend we have a happy marriage even though there's a good chance I mess around behind her back" Kutcher.

-Any women who dates Ben Roethlisberger is dumb & I don't feel bad for you. You've had plenty of warning. Actually, I do feel bad for you cause that nasty, thick, fury beard is going to give you major face-chaf. 

-I might start using 'roids. These guys have sick arms. 

-Isabel didn't take one for the team & put herself to bed tonight. She obviously doesn't care that I'm a famous blogger with 7 followers, so I had to leave halfway through the 2nd quarter for bedtime duty. I'm going to assume that nothing too important happened & that C-Skank continued to feed A-Rod. 

-John Travolta was hiding his fake hair & unknown sexuality under a baseball hat. Weird.

-My friend thinks the NFL logo on the player's jerseys looks like a penis. Where's your mind, Laura??

-Props for performing live, but the Black-Eyed Peas talk-sing. I've never noticed that before. And you couldn't hear Fergie until she started screaming, I mean, singing. It seems like it hurts her to sing, like she's making a fake sound that isn't easy for her to do. But she's hot & has perky boobies. I'll give her that. And she has nice hair. Nice hair always puts someone a notch higher in my book (unless you're a football player & it's sweaty. Please see above).

-Usher, overly baggy pants aren't sexy. You need to start doing butt exercises or shop in the the little boys department where you below.

-Lots of website commercials. Go advertising. Go internet. Go my job.
-I love that Ozzie Osbourne made fun of Justin "She-ber" Bieber.

-Hurt football players are very good, dramatic actors. Megan Fox could learn a thing or two from them.

-I'm happy the Packers won. I'm in love with cheese, so I guess that means I should like Wisconsin, which in turn means, I like Green Bay.

I. Heart. Football!




I've just planned Isabel's 4th social event in 2011. She's now booking into March, so anyone trying to get on her calendar, please take note. Along with working, commuting, managing a household, a baby AND a nanny, I've also been given the prestigious title of "Isabel's Personal Assistant." I'm quite honored with my new role, which I've abbreviated to the CHP...Chief Household Planner. I'm now all things, to all people, big & small.

I know you're all shaking your heads & blaming me for creating this monster, since obviously a 6 month old isn't texting her long list of friends & planning these dates herself. But I can't take all the blame here. Much like her mother, my baby is very cool & very popular & very much in high demand (said in a sarcastic tone). She attended her first birthday party at a bar in January & passed out halfway through, just like me. She experienced her 1st NYC ladies brunch a few weeks ago, and we had to cut her off after one Bloody Mary. We've already planned 2 upcoming brunch / playdates in New York City for February & March. Mark my words...Mariah Carey's twins won't be this popular.

It's insane and I'm 100% bringing this on myself, but as the saying goes "Happy wife, happy life" and all this baby planning does make me giddy with excitement. I'm sure Isabel will never remember the time spent at the New York City Children's Museum with Sabrina or "climbing" a tree at the City Treehouse with Emily. Regardless, I will take 900 pictures, I will write about our day on Facebook, I will mark the event down in her 1st Year Calendar & we all will have loads of family fun even if she doesn't remember one freaking thing about it. We will make memories & we will like it, damn it!!! 

I'm sure I'll end the day thinking I've given Isabel the best experience of her 6 month life. And for that, all this added scheduling is worth it. As an added bonus, Joe and I will get to put on our old cool, city, brunch clothes, we'll spend the day with amazing friends, have a few daytime drinks & "pretend" that we're still fun and awesome and can still enjoy a NYC brunch like the good 'ol single days (minus the raging hang-over & me still wearing last nights "walk of shame" clothing). 

Bring on the play-dates, but just be sure to plan ahead. Isabel is a very busy little girl.

Isabel's first friend Emily, 1 & 2 months old. 


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