Globes

Isabel totally took one for the team last night & called it an early night, providing me with just the right amount of Golden Globe prep; the chilling of my Dairy Queen Blizzard, a wardrobe change (i.e. removal of my nursing bra, application of my bathrobe & pink slippers) & red carpet Facebook updating. To keep with my mommy theme, let's focus in on how this years A-List moms ditched their kids, taped up those boobies, and threw a few back in celebration of Hollywood's big night. Some celebrated with big wins, others with big hair & many others with very big (or in Eva Longoria's case, little) "Golden Globes." Either way, I love, love, love me some celeb talk, so let award season begin!

J-Lo- Wait? What? You're a judge? Of American Idol?? Man, I had no idea. Thank God you mentioned it 1,435,624 times a hour. And yes, I am and always will call you J-Lo.

Angelina Jolie- Please give Brad Pitt his balls back if you haven't already eaten them.

Sandra Bullock- Possibly the only mother who 1. Spoke of her child while on the red carpet 2. Admitted to missing him. She & Louis now will most likely be black listed for all hot kiddie parties for breaking Hollywood Mommy Code #24: "Thou will not really love their child."

Natalie Portman- I think you're very cute & I loved the dress choice, but you're about a minute pregnant. Can we settle down with the waddling & "I'm so big & fat" talk? Gain 45 (or more...I stopped looking), commute 2 hours a day in the summer and swell like a Macy's float. Then we can talk.

Halle Berry- I want to make out with her, if it made me even remotely resemble her, would chop my hair that short too, & I hope her daughter gives Isabel her hand-me-downs.

Nicole Kidman- Surprise! She has another baby, carried via another uterus, since there is no way a  standard sized uterus could possibly fit between her tiny non-birthing hip. I'm still pretty positive she bought or kidnapped her last baby. Sista lost all the baby weight in about 4 days & her 9 month pregnant belly was about the size of my 9 pizza slices & beer gut. 

Christina Aguilera- In the words of my friend Laura H. "What is wrong with her face?!" My response "What is wrong with her face, boobs, hair, thighs" and so on. She certainly isn't a cute mousekeeter no more.

Milla Jovovich- If being a model means you have to make weird faces like Milla did all night, then I guess I'll just have to say "no" when they come a calling.

Michelle Williams- Forgot to change out of her Daisy Scout troop leader dress before rushing out of the house.

Heidi Klum- Project Run-A-Way from that dress. It looked like her kids sewed it for her.

Once again, the Golden Globes prove that I'm perfect, therefore, have the right to totally criticize & critique people wayyyyyyy more famous and wayyyyyy more rich than I'll ever be. Besides, I bet they'd give anything for just a spoon full of my Dairy Queen, bathrobe & comfy couch over hobnobbing with the rich & famous  (or at least that's what I tell myself). See ya at the Oscars, ladies!

 Hot Momma

Hot Mess