Weight

Why moms gain weight once their child starts eating table food...let me count the ways:

1. Baby puts a graham cracker in their mouth, a soggy / mushy piece falls out & onto the floor. Mom picks up soggy / mushy cracker, but do we throw it away? No. We proceed to eat it without a second thought.
2. You decide to introduce a food to your baby that you haven't had since you were 2 years old, for example, fish sticks. Fish sticks...gross, right? Um, no. They are possibly the best tasting thing that I've had in the last 15 years. Amazing & now I just might need to feed them to Isabel (aka ME) weekly.
3. If she still can't gum the crust of the grilled cheese, who else is gonna eat it?
4. Didn't finish her 100% full-fat yogurt? Don't mind if I do.
5. 1 Cheerio for you, 9,452 for me. And repeat.
6. No napkin around to wipe up every drop of food that I've caught falling from her mouth? Guess I'll just need to lick it clean.
7. Baby loves the Happy Baby & Plum Organics bagged pureed fruits, but mommy might possibly love them more. It's fruit...how bad can it be?
8. Avocados low fat, right?
9. I'm trying to lead by example. If I eat, she'll eat it & besides, people are starving in Africa (and Westwood, NJ).
10. There's just no way she'll finish a whole slice of cheese on her own.

As per the above, lets just say I'm in a whole lot of trouble once this kid sprouts a few teeth & falls in love with french fries & chicken fingers. Good-bye wasteline, hello spanx & Jenny Craig.

Isabel is probably thinking "Mom, OMG! Stop eating my food, fatty-pants!"

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Flying

Today I officially became "that person." Isabel & I flew from Maine to NYC, my 1st time flying without Joe by my side to haul around our 27 bags, keep Isabel entertained long enough for me to read People, and to be my moral support with every bump of turbulence we hit. This was a big day for me & yes, it 100% made the baby book, along with a very cute pair of Jetblue wings (for Isabel, not me).

The  minute I entered the airport, I was everything I hated about parents pre-Isabel. I was "that poor girl" who was all by herself with her baby, pitied & at the same time disliked by every person in the Portland Jetport (apparently, we Mainers don't fly airplanes, we fly jets, hence "Jetport"). I was "that bad mother" who gave her child whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, in hopes she didn't make one sound from take-off to landing. I was "that person" who pre-boarded yet still blocked the plane door as I unloaded 15 bags & a baby from an over-priced stroller that wouldn't fold without me having to LIE Isabel on the jetway floor to get the damn thing shut (PS...I also asked the luggage dude to make sure he kept it clean. He was very impressed and most definitely dragged it through jet fuel ).

I quickly escalated to "that bitch" when I spent 20+ minutes hogging the airplane bathroom after Isabel peed through her outfit (and mine) & needed a change mid-air / mid-turbulence. I was "that weirdo" by snapping pics with my illegally turned on electronic device (rules don't scare a die-hard blogger). And lastly, I was "that mom" who dumped mass amounts of Cheerios on the floor, expected everyone to think my baby was SOOOOO cute as Isabel played peek-a-boo with the last 20 rows of the plane & took up 14 seats with her toys, food, diapers and additional baby entertaining supplies. And ya know what, I couldn't have cared less, jerky Jetbluer's who were just bitter cause my baby didn't make a peep & you didn't get any good snacks. First baby & me flight down, many more to go. Look out Jetport, here we come!

Mom gets crazy drugs & I get a banana for my nerves. Yippee.

Safety 1st.

Pee stains, compliments of Isabel.

If she doesn't get an infection after this little moment of fun, than she's pretty much immune to everything.

Helping us find our way back to our seat.

What she really thinks of flying.

Nothing like a sexy & loving daddy to meet ya at the gate (and carry some of my bags too!)

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View

Going to the bathroom has taken on a whole new meaning over the last few weeks. Isabel has started crawling & what once was an easy and enjoyable task (close door, pull down pants, do my business, wash hands, exit bathroom) has become a juggling act. My mom has always said "Just wait! Once you have kids, you'll never go to the bathroom alone again." This always puzzled me. "Just shut the door...how hard could it be??" was my pre-crawling baby answer. Then Isabel discovered movement, and I realized that shutting the door is actually the trick for keeping them IN while you answer the call of nature. Keeping them out is certainly not the answer, as they wreck havoc on your house in the 4.2 seconds they're on their own. Freedom!!!!

Growing up, the door to our 1st floor bathroom had a folding door made of very thin slats. My siblings and I discovered that even when mom shut the door, we could actually stick notes, drawings, old mail, magazine subscription cards, whatever we could find would go through that door to her. If I was my mother, I would have quickly ran out after the 1st kiddy love note fell & purchased a new door, but it became a joke to send mom messages while she tried to sneak away for a few minutes of non-kid sanity. Now, being a mom myself and experiencing 2 weeks of bathroom breaks with Isabel literally at my side, I think I owe my mom a HUGE apology (which won't be send to her via the bathroom door).

As you'll see from the below picture, my new view from the toilet has changed substantially. It used to be an US Weekly or my iPhone (I'm not ashamed to say it...I love reading on the toilet. Who doesn't?!). And as cute as Isabel's face is, it's just not the same as 64 magical pages of non-noise making, bathroom curtain pulling, toilet paper roll destroying celeb gossip. I'm sure one day I'll miss my time with Isabel in the bathroom as much as I now miss my non-Isabel outings, but it's hard to imagine it right now. Non-baby friends, enjoy your non-baby bathroom time. And for me, I guess I'll learn to enjoy the new view.

Bathroom with a view.





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McDonald's

Confession time. I love McDonald's. Seriously...I reallllyyyy love McDonald's. I love it like Posh loves her 8" heels. Like Howard Stern loves his strippers. I would eat it every day if it wouldn't result in me being 400 lbs and having a massive heart attack. Plus, with Oprah going off the air, my chances of being 400 lbs AND having her save me are out the window. So, I eat healthy. Boooooooooooooo.

When I was in high school and ate a TCBY chocolate chip ice cream sandwich every day after school as my pre-practice snack, I can't really remember ever caring about calories, fat or what I ate. I was never thin (except for when I had mono, dropped 20 lbs in a hot-second & looked like a crack head for about a month), but I was also never heavy. I was average, athletic and active...straight A's, and it allowed me eat Snickers at least 3x a week, ice cream before bed & McDonald's whenever I damn well pleased. I didn't hang my head in shame when I'd order 2, yes ladies, 2 Sausage Egg McMuffin's for breakfast. I'd scarf those bad-boys down with pride and head off to school, bragging to the boys about how much I could eat. Wasn't I cool???!! Surprisingly, boys still liked me, but I think they just couldn't resist my charming personality (or the fact that I'd put out...kidding mom, KIDDING). Then college hit, and I continued my McDonald's binges, washing it all down with 9,000 calories of beer (lite, of course) a day. I'm lucky I got out of there alive and under 400 lbs (Certainly came pretty close my junior year).

I do still indulge my McDonald's lust every few months and when I go, I go BIG, like Super Size x 4 big. Another confession. When I go to McDonald's, I order so much food for myself that I've actually caught myself PRETENDING  to be ordering for 2 people!!! Dr. Phil, save me now. Back in my single NYC days, I hit up a McDonald's post-drinking and actually said outloud to myself / the cashier as I was ordering my 15 value meals "What did he tell me he wanted again???" The cashier's response should have been, ""He" wants you committed to over-eaters annoymous." Ya want another proud moment? After a 3 day bachelorette party binge, 2 friends and I, whom shall remain nameless to protect their fat-girl innocence, not only ate our hot fudge sundae "appetizers" on the walk back to our car, but also split a 30 piece nugget ON TOP of what we each ordered. How I fit into my wedding dress after that, I'll never know. And when I was pregnant, forget it! After each appointment, I'd beeline it to my local McDonald's (unbeknownst to Joe) to celebrate the baby, a strong heartbeat, only gaining 8 instead of my standard 10 lbs a month, surpassing 200 lbs. Isabel should be very proud.

The moral of this story is that girls can eat McDonald's. We act all ashamed & hide our Mickey D obsession, but it's ok to indulge our cravings. Boys still check me out, Joe still thinks I'm hot, and little do they know that I just ate 3 Quarter Pounders (with cheese). Eat your heart out, literally, and see ya at the drive-thru!

Joe ordering McDonald's for me.

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Lowe's

I had a major "I've become my mother" moment on Friday night. Joe and I had planned a VERY hot date night at Lowe's with baby in tow. Nothing says "I want to sex you up" like an evening in the gardening section, fighting over the best color of mulch. As the week went by, Joe and I had numerous conversations about our impending Lowe's date, so in my mind, it was on the calendar, a done deal. I even put on make-up, I was that psyched for a little romance with a side of fertilizer.

To be honest, it wasn't Lowe itself that had me all hot in the pants. I was just excited to go somewhere, anywhere. Yes, we lead a very busy & active life. We travel, see our friends, and, in my personal opinion, still have a pretty solid social life for new parents. BUT, when your husband works late most nights, you work from home & you spend every evening talking to a 9 month old,  you're officially climbing the walls by Friday, excited for his bedtime help and adult conversation.

Joe obviously 1. wasn't aware of my love of Lowe's and 2. wasn't as excited as I about a night in the hardware store because he forgot and by the time he got home, Isabel was ready for bed. I lost it. You would have thought he was cheating on me. "I guess we're not going to Lowe's?!" was my 1st question to him as he walked through the door. "I wasn't aware of your love for Lowe's" was his highly sensitive response. And that is when I realized I was my mother OR any mother who just needs to get out of the house, no matter the destination.

Joe has learned his lesson...Lowe's, a sand pit, the dentist, it doesn't matter. If it gives me the chance to get out of the house & socialize with other adults, please don't break my heart by breaking our plans. Especially if I've put on make-up.

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