Posh

There's no way Victoria Beckham is with child. From my many years of medical experience & being jealous of really skinny people, I'm 99% sure a body that small can't possibly house a uterus, let alone a fetus. Can we say "Barbie Doll?" By 9 months, that super-model baby is gonna pull a "Twilight" and start breaking her bones. I'd love to know what her hip measurement is. There's a good chance Isabel could borrow her pants. The pic below is a recent shot of Posh looking hungry, angry & supposedly prego. I gained Posh's current weight over my 9 month pregnancy, she'll probably gain 5 lbs. The fact that she's still wearing leather pants blows my mind. Doesn't she just want to put on sweatpants & eat pizza?? Why can't she be like most celebs and totally blimp up? Come on Posh, take one for the team and get a fat a$s & stretch marks. I'm sure Becks will still love you even while he's fooling around with a paid escort (allegedly...please don't sue me, David). And besides, we all know you'll be back to your size .05 pants faster than I can say Jimmy Choo. A quick little post-pardem tummy-tuck & all will be right in the royal world of Beckham one more. So go on, eat a hot dog. Your fetus & I will thank you.

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Super Bowl

As many of you know, I'm not only an obsessive / borderline stalker celeb gossip fan, but I'm also a sports fan. Prior to Isabel, I spent many a morning in bed, hung-over & watching SportsCenter, but she's not really down with TV or hangovers. My focus has moved from sweaty sports dudes on TV to poopy diapers on my baby. I still have a little sports-fan game, but who wants to hear my color commentary when there's so much more to trash on. So here are the goods...making fun of Christina Aguilera, rating the commercials, and commenting on how hot football players are in tight pants. Mix a drink, grab some wings & enjoy my 1st annual "Diva does Football!"

-What the H-E-double hockey sticks was that segment at the start of the game, where the players, coaches, and commissioner read the Declaration of Independence, all about? Sorry NFL...you're taking yourselves a LITTLEEEEE too seriously. The NFL is to govermnent what Kim Kardashian is to being a talented actress. 

-I love you Lea Michele. Even though she makes overly dramatic facial expressions & has the body of a 13-year-old, she has the voice of a dove and exceptional teeth. I have a major girl crush. There, I said it. 

-George Bush at the Super Bowl. The only right decision he's made in the last 10 years.

-Troy Aikman is newly single, ladies. He has an amazingly manly voice, sexy lips and a really tight bum-bum, plus he's a Super Bowl champion himself. And he's always tan. Of course, he basically was forced to retire due to having 742 concussions during his career, so it's possible he won't be able to speak by the time he's 56, but I'm thinking he'll always have his good looks (and lots of $$, if you're in to that kinda thing).

-Christina Aguilera has a messed up face. Yes, awesome voice but sista looks like she  just came from the set of a scary movie. Beat-up is putting it nicely. I can't wait to see what her face looks like by the time she's 50. She also must have been smoking crack, cause I think she skipped something important in the middle of the National Anthem. I wasn't really paying attention to the words. I was too busy looking at her horrible facial expressions.

-I like fake talking animal commercials. Always have, always will. High-five to every creative agency who convinced their clients that animals are the way to go in '11. I'd give you a raise.

-Kenny G. in a commercial? Really? The poor man's Betty White.

-Long haired football players both gross me out & annoy me. I really, really dislike sweaty hair. It makes me squirm, even my own. And why, as a man being chased by even bigger men, would you ever want to risk having it yanked from the root? Isabel grabbed mine the other day & I almost dropped her, it hurt that bad. She weighs 19 lbs...I can't imagine having a 300 lb lineman hanging off my head.  

-Ewwww. Arod & Cameron. Feeding him food. Gross. Please put the camera back on George Bush. 

-Ashton sans Demi. That spells trouble for Mr. Punked "I married my mom & now we pretend we have a happy marriage even though there's a good chance I mess around behind her back" Kutcher.

-Any women who dates Ben Roethlisberger is dumb & I don't feel bad for you. You've had plenty of warning. Actually, I do feel bad for you cause that nasty, thick, fury beard is going to give you major face-chaf. 

-I might start using 'roids. These guys have sick arms. 

-Isabel didn't take one for the team & put herself to bed tonight. She obviously doesn't care that I'm a famous blogger with 7 followers, so I had to leave halfway through the 2nd quarter for bedtime duty. I'm going to assume that nothing too important happened & that C-Skank continued to feed A-Rod. 

-John Travolta was hiding his fake hair & unknown sexuality under a baseball hat. Weird.

-My friend thinks the NFL logo on the player's jerseys looks like a penis. Where's your mind, Laura??

-Props for performing live, but the Black-Eyed Peas talk-sing. I've never noticed that before. And you couldn't hear Fergie until she started screaming, I mean, singing. It seems like it hurts her to sing, like she's making a fake sound that isn't easy for her to do. But she's hot & has perky boobies. I'll give her that. And she has nice hair. Nice hair always puts someone a notch higher in my book (unless you're a football player & it's sweaty. Please see above).

-Usher, overly baggy pants aren't sexy. You need to start doing butt exercises or shop in the the little boys department where you below.

-Lots of website commercials. Go advertising. Go internet. Go my job.

-I love that Ozzie Osbourne made fun of Justin "She-ber" Bieber.

-Hurt football players are very good, dramatic actors. Megan Fox could learn a thing or two from them.

-I'm happy the Packers won. I'm in love with cheese, so I guess that means I should like Wisconsin, which in turn means, I like Green Bay.

I. Heart. Football!

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Brunch

I've just planned Isabel's 4th social event in 2011. She's now booking into March, so anyone trying to get on her calendar, please take note. Along with working, commuting, managing a household, a baby AND a nanny, I've also been given the prestigious title of "Isabel's Personal Assistant." I'm quite honored with my new role, which I've abbreviated to the CHP...Chief Household Planner. I'm now all things, to all people, big & small.

I know you're all shaking your heads & blaming me for creating this monster, since obviously a 6 month old isn't texting her long list of friends & planning these dates herself. But I can't take all the blame here. Much like her mother, my baby is very cool & very popular & very much in high demand (said in a sarcastic tone). She attended her first birthday party at a bar in January & passed out halfway through, just like me. She experienced her 1st NYC ladies brunch a few weeks ago, and we had to cut her off after one Bloody Mary. We've already planned 2 upcoming brunch / playdates in New York City for February & March. Mark my words...Mariah Carey's twins won't be this popular.

It's insane and I'm 100% bringing this on myself, but as the saying goes "Happy wife, happy life" and all this baby planning does make me giddy with excitement. I'm sure Isabel will never remember the time spent at the New York City Children's Museum with Sabrina or "climbing" a tree at the City Treehouse with Emily. Regardless, I will take 900 pictures, I will write about our day on Facebook, I will mark the event down in her 1st Year Calendar & we all will have loads of family fun even if she doesn't remember one freaking thing about it. We will make memories & we will like it, damn it!!! 

I'm sure I'll end the day thinking I've given Isabel the best experience of her 6 month life. And for that, all this added scheduling is worth it. As an added bonus, Joe and I will get to put on our old cool, city, brunch clothes, we'll spend the day with amazing friends, have a few daytime drinks & "pretend" that we're still fun and awesome and can still enjoy a NYC brunch like the good 'ol single days (minus the raging hang-over & me still wearing last nights "walk of shame" clothing). 

Bring on the play-dates, but just be sure to plan ahead. Isabel is a very busy little girl.

 

Isabel's first friend Emily, 1 & 2 months old. 

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Cheeeeesssseeeeee!!!!

Is it strange that Isabel is OBSESSED with watching videos of herself? She's 6 months old...this self-obsession started around 4 1/2 months. I discovered this new found love for herself while feeding her one night. As she ate, I began watching an iPhone video of her laughing. The minute she heard herself, she quickly stopped eating and whipped her head around to see where the baby sounds were coming from. When I held my phone up for her to see, she cracked up. Her grin was ear to ear. I figured it was a fluke, so I tried it again the next day. 2nd round, same result. I've shown her additional videos and pictures of herself. You name it, she loves it! 

Does this mean we're raising a future contestant of "Toddler's and Tiaras?" Will I be forced in to being a stage mom when what I really want is a field hockey playing, tom boy who also likes to shopping, wear Uggs, get manicures & reading US Weekly, much like her mother? Originally, this basketball dribbling mama wasn't sure I could even handle her being a cheerleader (no offense, spirit-finger friends), yet alone a true drama queen. Is her early love of cameras a sign that after all these years of making fun of Miss America, my daughter, who can't get enough of pictures, mirrors, or our Flip, is destined for the world of runways, center stage or beauty pageants???!!! 

Not that there's anything wrong with following in the footsteps of Heidi Klum, and I certainly want Isabel to be whomever it is she wants to be, but I think I'm creating a self-loving monster with all this crazy camera business. Yes, I probably took about 100 pictures a day when I was on maternity leave. Who am I kidding...I probably took 100 pics of day of myself pregnant, so this ultimately started months ago. And yes, a 4 week old old with limited range of motion is about as exciting as a rock, but she was my adorable, new rock, so I wanted to share every rockish moment with our friends, family & adoring Facebook fans. Plus, Miss. Thing had about 1 million teeny new outfits to burn through, so I might as well take a picture of each and every pink ruffle in her closet before our little super-model couldn't fit into the Baby Gap sample size no more!

Flash forward 5 months & this kids is a camera-loving maniac. The minute I pull out my iPhone, she cracks a smile. When the video camera lights up, so does she, as though someone has just screamed "Action!" and Isabel "American Idol" Agosto is ready for her debut. She plays coy, then bats her eyelashes, crinkles her brow, flashes a quick little grin, always making sure we're capturing her best "high chair" angles. She won't take her eyes of the lens, and suddenly goes into full on "I'm the cutest baby in the world" mode. What Tyra Banks would do for a "Smize" like hers?!

I'd hate to break her little heart so early on in her career, but if she takes after me, her dream of cat-walk legs may go up in smoke. Until that day arrives, I guess we should embrace the fact that she loves the camera, and we'll have a large collection of great pics to continue sharing with the world. And besides, if I can't handle the life of a stage momma, I'm sure Joe would look just as cute as a routine dancing stage daddy too. Say cheese!

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Sophie

We have a Sophie obsession in our house. No, that isn't a typo & I do not mean Sofia Vergara, although Joe is quite taken with her & her plump "lady friends." Who isn't these days? Our Sophie is actually a bit more plastic but still just as famous as the real Sofia, if that's possible. Our good friend Sophie is very cute & sweet, thin with long legs, makes a fun noise if you squeeze her, is very low maintenance, she's popular with the 2 & under crowd, all the "cool" babies are friends with her, including Kendra Wilkinson's son (as spotted on the Kendra show that I so embarrassingly admit to DVRing) and tummy time with Sophie often keeps Isabel happy for hours (or 20 minutes, which pretty much is the same thing as hours in baby time). Sophie's a lifesaver in stores and the car seat, as a meltdowns spotted on the horizon, and even though Isabel literally chews her face off on a daily basis, Sophie is always there, right by her side. We spend many nights giving Sophie baths since we seem to find her in the oddest places; Joe's parents dog's mouth, the bathroom floor, under the couch, in random people's hands as we walk through a store, in my niece's mouth. She's such a people person!

Sophie also has a twin sister in our house. We like to call her "Diaper Bag Sophie." Lame, yes, but as long as we have her as we head out the door, the originality of the name means very little to us. Isabel's favorite game to play with Sophie is "chew Sophie's face off until we can hear the sound of the rubber squeaking in pain." Isabel plays mind games with Sophie & has perfected her maneuvering of her BFF sans hands. As she laying on her belly, Isabel will peck at her supposed good friend with either her nose, mouth or head until Sophie is strategically positioned under her mouth. Then, she goes in for the kill. Let the chewing games begin!! Thankfully, Sophie's always a good sport & takes one for the teething team day after day after day.

We love Sophie & all she puts up with in our house. Everyone with a baby who's using his/her own parents' chins for a teether should seriously consider adding Sophie to their family. In my opinion, minus the whole "dog using her as a chew toy" situation, I think we treat Sophie pretty good. But if she ever decides to leave us, I'll have no problem running out & replacing her with a brand spanking new one. Heed my warning, Sophie...you are replaceable.

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