Breast Pump

 1.12.2011

My breast pump talks to me. No joke, it does. Some days it's really funny & says things like "You rock! You rock" and other days it's a total bi'atch, like earlier this week, & chants "Crack Whore! Crack Whore!" I was hoping for a little pump dirty-talk to keep things interesting, but I apparently I've purchased the Medela "Catholic" pump, so no luck there. 

I discovered that my breast pump was talking to me about a week after Isabel came home. Since my boobs weren't sore, cracked or painful enough, I figured I'd really torture myself but adding a pumping session into my routine. Smart with a capital "S." I get all situated in my room, ready to hit the pumping ground running. I've got my US Weekly, TV remote, iPhone, water...you'd think I was strapping myself to that torture device for 4 straight days. I begin mission "What the hell do I do with this machine?", strap my boobs in & start that puppy up. 5 minutes into session #1, I've produced 4 drops of milk AND I've discovered that my breast pump freaking talks.With every annoying "whooshhhhh" of the machine, I'd hear "Pump some more! Pump some more!" If that bad-boy didn't cost $200+, I probably would have thrown it out the window. Day 2 was "Isabel's crying. Isabel's crying" and so forth.
 
Flash forward 6 months, and my pump and I are mending fences. We certainly aren't BFF's, but we've learned to get along (excluding last weeks "Crack Whore" episode). Maybe it's the fact that I'm now sleeping more than 4 hours a night or maybe, like I do to most people that annoy me, I have just learned to ignore it. Either way, the "pump talk" has improved. Believe it or not, I'm not alone in this magical discovery. Another fellow "mom-niac" also thinks her pump talks to her, as she recently confessed to Babble.com. I was shocked & thrilled that I wasn't alone &, much like watching Lindsay Lohan self-destruct, felt that much better about myself simply knowing someone else was crazier than me. 

I can't say I'll miss my pump or our little "talks" as I pump/eat lunch/type an email/save the world each day. Moms who pump deserve a big 'ol medal. I mean, why not? They've already got the chest to pin it on. 



2 comments:

Beth W 1/12/2011  

the most disturbing thing about all of that is how flat that lady's stomach is in the above picture. bitch.

Karyn Agosto 1/12/2011  

Thanks. That's my stomach. I just changed the face cause I didn't want to show off.

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