Supermommy

Another celeb mom has managed to piss me off. Thank you Miranda "no one would know or care about you if you weren't married to Orlando Bloom" Kerr for being new mom of the year. You birthed a 10lb baby boy. Big flip'n deal. They're already calling you a "SuperMommy" & you haven't even got chapped nipples yet. Isn't that the title they should give the "SuperNanny" you're about to hire?? And why does the media feel the need to pretend that these women are God's gift to being mothers? They don't cook, they don't clean, they probably even hire Selma Hayek to do their breast feeding for them. 

The perfect "SuperMommy" example is the one & only true super model, Gisele. Ok, yes, I'm still bitter that she married Tom Brady and has made him grow out his hair to obscene lengths. Yes, I am jealous of her fabulous legs & perky butt. Whatever. But if I have to hear how she lost allllllll the 7 lbs of baby weight she gained in record time cause she didn't overeat like us disgusting, fat American women do one more time, I'm going to shove a pizza AND an autographed Tom Brady football down her skinny little throat!!! Wow, I have anger issues, but that felt good.

What I've come to realize in my short few months of being a mother is that all these women who go on & on & on about how/why they mother a certain way and why it's the ONLY right way do it are big, fat liars. Gisele gained minimal weight & was back in shape weeks late cause she's lucky. She's tall. She's already skinny. She gets paid a LOT of money to look good. I'd be skinny too if cameras followed me around. Instead, I ran into Dairy Queen for fear of my ob/gyno catching me eating again. Isabel, for example, is an amazing sleeper. Always has been. This has very little to do with anything we've ever done. She just likes to sleep. She's lazy like me. I give her Benadryl before bed (that's a total joke, please don't take my baby away from me).

But seriously, the Bethenny Frankel's of the world, who I do secretly love, are not the same as us average Joe moms. She buys her child's happiness & one day will also pay for her child's therapy. Gisele and all of her skinny "SuperMommies" can take a flying leap. I'd rather hang out with my plump American mom friends, eat mass amounts of taco dip, wish that our husbands were Tom Brady and talk about celebs like we actually know them. Who needs to be skinny or super...I'd rather just be me (but me with a nicer butt).

Another SuperMommy??